To Use My Head Or To Use My Heart?

My head says go; my heart says no. My head says turn to one direction; my heart tells me to go to the other. Which one should I listen to?

In retrospect, I always have been in a constant struggle with this dilemma. Career-wise, my head is practical—concerned with the pay and the opportunity for promotion—while my heart is concerned with happiness, having a sense of fulfillment, and doing what I really love to do. Romantically speaking, my head sees the stumbling blocks; my heart finds a way to get through them. My head figures out the truth through the lies; my heart stubbornly looks the other way. I listen to my heart and ignore my head almost 100% of the time, and I usually end up having one hell of a heartbreak every time I do. When this happens, my head whispers with poorly-hidden sarcasm to my heart, “See, I told you so…”

My head thinks; my heart daydreams. My head is academically competitive; my heart has an IQ level of below freezing point. My head is agonizingly realistic; my heart is unreasonably hopeful. My head looks before it jumps; my heart just goes where it wants to. My head is absolutely rational; my heart is utterly illogical. My head is a fighter; my heart is a sulker. My head debates; my heart concedes. My head has near-perfect vision; my heart is blind.

But…

My head is vengeful; my heart is a total martyr. My head is a sadist; my heart is a masochist. My head is Mr. Hyde; my heart is Dr. Jekyll. My head is scheming; my heart is forgiving. My head is a hideous culprit; my heart is a helpless victim. My head is full of pride; my heart is overflowing with humility. My head is corrupt; my heart is conscientious.

Do I have a better head or a better heart?

When I follow my heart, I end up in a lingering, messy heartache. No one gets hurt but me. I take all the blame. But never have I felt any regret for the things I’ve done when I decide to follow my heart, for I know I’ve done the right thing.

When I listen to my head, on the other hand, I hurt people along the way. I end up feeling unhappy, ashamed, and guilty. There was this particular time in my life when I used my head—I did horrible things and got trapped in my own intricate web of lies. I never thought I was capable of such evil—I hurt someone who genuinely loved me, someone who I could have been happy with. And in the end, I hurt myself even more, knowing how cruel and heartless I have been, no matter how much I tried to be gentle.

Okay, so I have a better heart, but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to disregard what my head says all the time. Maybe the best thing to do would be to let my heart take me to where my happiness is, then let my head decide what to do next and where to go from there. After all, if either of them stops, I’m history!

(originally written on June 14, 2010)